Whole Again
by Bluebaby555
Summary: It's been two months since Jane has gotten his revenge but he feels nothing. He knows there is only one person who can help him. J/L
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING**

**A/N: This takes place two months after the season finale. *SPOILER ALERT* if you haven't seen the season finale: In this story Lisbon was still shot by O'Loughlin. I did however change how and where Red John was killed. **

Jane pulls his blue Citroen off onto the shoulder of the road and kills the engine. He runs a hand over his tired face. He's been driving for hours, for days. He's been all the way to the East coast and now he's back, right on the state line of California. Part of him wants to turn right back around and just drive. He's been so completely lost since it's happened he's not sure he can ever find himself again.

Stepping out into the dark night, he pauses to look up at the billions upon billions of stars above him. The calm air about him shifts suddenly and before he knows what he's doing, Jane is angrily and viciously kicking in the front bumper of the car. He lets out a primal yell with one last kick.

"It doesn't feel like you though it would, does it?"

Jane spins around only to see his wife Angela leaning against the hood of the Citroen. There is a soft glow about her letting Jane know that this is only something his frazzled and weary mind has conjured up.

"No." He replies icily.

"Deep down you knew it would never make everything magically better, you knew Patrick, but you let revenge blind you."

"I had to do it." Jane insists.

"No, Patrick, you didn't."

Jane feels a surge of anger shoot through him and his fists clench at his sides. "I did this for you." Jane says, his voice desperate, trying to rationalize the fact that he killed a man and not just any man, but Red John.

The apparition of his wife drifts over to him and places her hand on his cheek. "This stopped being about Charlotte and I long ago Patrick. We both know that. This was about you and your single minded need to destroy the man who you believed destroyed your life."

"No." Jane whispers, tears now freely falling from his blue eyes.

Angela's hand slips from his face. "Yes," she tells him. "your life was never destroyed Patrick." He looks at her confused yet somehow deep in the back of his mind he knows exactly what she means. "It was broken. It was broken for so long, but you know it wasn't broken beyond repair." Jane shakes his head violently and he feels the ghost of a touch on his cheek again as his wife stills him. "You had her. You still have her Patrick. She's the only one who can fix you, wants to fix you and you want to let her. She needs you to fix her too. You just have to let her. Stop being selfish. Stop living only for yourself. You know I wouldn't want that for you and neither would our daughter."

Jane ducks his head down and swallows hard. "It's too late now. What's done is done."

"Why does everything always have to be end game for you Patrick? Do or die? You have a second chance at life. Don't ruin that for yourself. Red John was a monster but you let him consume you. Now he's dead, by your own hand and nothing has changed. There's no weight lifted off your shoulders, you don't feel redemption, and Charlotte and I are never coming back."

"What do you want me to do? I did everything! What do you want me to do?" Jane pleads, feeling his knees buckle.

"I want you to live, Patrick."

With that, Jane watches as the vision of his wife fades away into nothing and he is left all alone on the long, lonely stretch of highway in the middle of the night by himself once again. He frustratedly pulls at his blond curls and takes a few erratic breaths, trying to calm himself. She's right... well, his subconscious that manifested itself as his deceased wife, is right. For so many years he had been hunting down Red John and now that he achieved his goal... nothing. He feels nothing. It was nothing like he imagined it to be. He had a choice the entire time. Hell, that choice had been with him every single day for the past three years standing right by his side, but he let himself be blinded my the monster that was Red John.

Even though he's killed Red John, Jane still has the same nauseating and guilty feeling in is gut, because in a way that that bastard Red John is still winning.

Pulling himself up off the ground, Jane knows what he has to do... what he needs to do... what he wants to do and has all along. He's just so paralyzed by fear that he thinks it might be too late. It might be too late he thinks, as he gets into the car and starts up the engine, but he will be damned if he isn't going to try.

**...**

Jane stands at her front door completely disheveled. His handsome face is covered in stubble, his trademark three piece suit is dirty and torn, and he's exhausted both mentally and physically, but nothing holds him back as he knocks on the apartment door.

It takes a few minutes but he eventually hears soft foot steps padding towards the door. His breath catches in his chest when he sees the door knob turn slightly and then stop. He knows she looked through the peep hole, saw that it was him.

Lisbon feels her heart constrict painfully in her chest. She stands up on her tip toes and looks through the peep hole one more time to make sure she isn't hallucinating. The pain meds she's been begrudgingly taking are strong, but not that strong. She has to wonder for a moment if this is just another sick and taunting dream. He's been missing for over two months now. She figured she'd never see him again. Why would he suddenly show up now? Lisbon knows it's not a dream when she hears him say her name through the door, soft and determined.

"Please Teresa, open the door."

Her fingers twitch against the door knob and despite every single bone in her body screaming at her to turn around and walk away, she doesn't. She knows even if she doesn't let him in he'll find a way. He always finds a way to get what he wants. She knows that all too well.

Jane can feel himself crumbling on the inside when the door opens and Lisbon is standing in front of him looking so small and broken in the oversized jersey he still has dreams about. Her skin is so pale, almost tranlustent and her gorgeous green eyes are full of sadness and betrayal. She doesn't even attempt to hide it.

The jersey slips down revealing her shoulder. There's an enormous faded yellow and purple bruise there.

Jane's mind flashes back to that day, hearing the bullet sound out over the phone. He remembers his entire world stopping at that exact moment. He remembers not breathing again until he heard her, knew that she was still alive. Jane wants nothing more than to reach out and gently run his fingers over the wound, take the pain away, but he stops himself. Now that Lisbon is actually standing there in front of him in the flesh, he can't bring himself to say a word.

She's the first one to break the silence. "To say this visit was unexpected would be the understatement of the century." Her comment is sarcastic and teasing, all too familiar and so completely Lisbon, but there is no genuine amusement behind it and it shatters Jane's heart.

Lisbon lets her hand slip from the door knob and walks away leaving the door open. Jane waits a few minutes before walking into her dark apartment and closing the door behind him.

Lisbon is sitting on the couch, her bare legs tucked underneath her. All Jane can do is stand there and stare.

"Shouldn't you be off somewhere celebrating? You got what you wanted. He's dead Jane. You killed him, nice and slow just like you wanted and you even got away with it. Sure, we all know you did it but no one can prove it. No one was at that warehouse with you and the truth is, no one wants to prove it."

"There's been no celebration."

Lisbon laughs humorlessly at that. "How is that possible Jane? You finally achieved your goal, avenged your family. Victory." She says and shrugs her shoulders.

"It was no victory." Jane says, his voice steady and calm. "If anything I feel hollow, drained, robbed." His heart flutters when he sees the confused spark in her eyes.

She quickly shakes her head and brushes it off. "How is that possible? It's what you lived and breathed for."

"All those years," Jane says, not answering her, "every move I made was spent plotting my revenge because I thought Red John had destroyed my life. The truth is, I didn't feel anything except for regret after I killed him. Regret that I let him control my life for so long. Regret that I let him rob me of moving on in any way. You were right, I should have chosen life..."

"Jane." She says his name to stop him. She's pretty sure she knows what he's about to say and she's not sure if she can handle it, but he continues on anyway.

"Should have chosen you."

Lisbon ducks her head and Jane can see tears begin to spill down her cheeks.

"You son of a bitch." She whispers.

Jane reaches her in a few short strides and is down on his knees in front of the couch, wrapping his strong arms around her small waist and pulling her down onto the floor in front of him. She futilely tries pushing him away but he grabs her wrists and waits until she calms down. She finally looks up at him and she's so earth shatteringly beautiful Jane can't stop the painful and wild pounding of his heartbeat, doesn't want to stop it, because this is the first time, since he came home that night to find what Red John had done to his family, that he feels alive again, truly and completely alive.

Jane cups Lisbon's face in his large hands and wipes her tears away with his thumbs. He leans his forehead against hers and Lisbon's hands fist into the fabric of his vest. Jane begins to press soft tender kisses down her neck and then delicately over her wounded shoulder. He slowly gets up bringing her along with him and lays back against the couch, tucking her protectively into his side. It's silent for a long time and all he can hear is her breathing and heartbeat intermingling with his in perfect harmony.

"I'm never going to stop fighting you." Lisbon says against Jane's stubbled jaw.

An enormous grin spreads across his handsome, worn face. For the first time in a long time Jane feels whole again, he's no longer lost and it has everything to do with Teresa Lisbon.

**THE END?**

**A/N: I'm debating on whether or not I should keep this a one shot or try and make it into something more.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm not sure where I'm taking this but I decided I wanted to continue with it. I hope you enjoy it. :)**

A streak of moonlight filters into the bedroom and casts itself over Lisbon's face. Her eyes gently open and she stretches her body, letting out a small groan at the dull ache in her shoulder. It takes her a moment to realize that she's in her bed. She's not exactly sure what time it is but it feels late. She feels strangely rested, light even, like there's no invisible weight crushing down on her anymore. It's the first time in two months that she can remember not being woken up by cruel and mocking dreams of Jane or hellish nightmares. _Jane_. Thoughts of earlier that day, her missing curly blonde consultant showing up at her front door, race through her mind.

She shoots up and instantly regrets it, the dull ache in her shoulder suddenly turning into a sharp bite. She hisses at the pain but it's nowhere near as bad as the sinking feeling that settles in her stomach when she realizes that Jane is nowhere to be found.

Maybe earlier that day really was a hallucination. Maybe those damn pain meds are stronger than she thought, and maybe it really was just a mean trick her mind was playing on itself.

Lisbon swings her legs over the side of the bed and rakes a hand through her messy dark brown hair. She lets out a cold, hollow laugh and it's painful in her chest.

Just as she makes up her mind to fall back into bed and pull the covers over her, she hears a shrill whistle come from downstairs, her tea kettle. Curiosity gets the best of her and she finds herself leaving the false comfort her bedroom offers and heads towards the sound.

Pure relief washes over her when she sees Jane. His back is turned to her and he is busying himself making a cup of tea and brewing a fresh pot of coffee. A small smile lights up her sleepy face and she lets herself breathe normally again. It wasn't a dream. Patrick Jane is really standing in her kitchen after all this time. He's alive and real and that's enough to puts Lisbon's mind at ease and cause her to let out a little laugh.

Jane turns around, slightly startled, though he would never admit it. Some things really never change. She had been so quiet he hadn't heard her creep up. A familiar but long unused grin lights up his face when he takes in her appearance. She looks sleepy and her hair is falling in front of her face as she tries to pull the slipping jersey up her shoulder.

"You have the tea I like." Patrick says, the grin not leaving his face.

Lisbon blushes and sheepishly looks away for a moment before collecting herself. "Yeah well, it helps relax me, helps with my shoulder." She would never admit that she also has his favorite tea because it reminds her of him. She's too stubborn for that and Jane laughs, not wanting it any other way.

She walks over to the counter and hops up on it as Jane hands her a mug of coffee. They're both quiet even though so much still has to be said.

"Does anyone else know your back?" Lisbon asks, taking a sip of her coffee.

"So far, only you." There's a playful glint in Jane's eye and he takes a few steps over to her until he's standing right in front of her, her knees touching his stomach. "And I intend to keep it that way for as long as I can." He places his hands flat on the countertop on either side of her.

"Oh damn, and here I was all excited to clean you up and share you with the whole world. You know, take your pain in the ass consultant to work day." She says sarcastically, rolling her eyes and Jane can't stop himself from thinking what a selfish ass he's been and how much he's missed this.

There is so much that's happened, so much that needs to be talked about but he can't help but be overwhelmed with joy that the natural banter and teasing is still there between them. She is still his Lisbon._ His Lisbon_. Jane stops for a second to think about what that actually means and every promise it holds. He can't help but feel like he doesn't deserve this, her, but that doesn't stop him from making his next move.

Since the first time he laid eyes on her earlier that day he does what his body has been itching so badly to do. He gently takes the mug from her hands and sets it down. His large hands splay out over her back and he pulls her just a bit closer to him, her legs parting to let him get even closer. His lips easily seek out hers.

Jane feels an exciting and more than welcome warmth radiate throughout his entire body as her impossibly soft lips glide over his, the kiss slow but urgent. Lisbon snakes her arms around Jane's neck, drawing him in even closer. Jane kisses her like her lips are the cure to everything bad that has happened in the past and in a way, they are. She is. Lisbon is his cure and he hates that he has been so selfish.

"Stop." Lisbon says, feeling Jane's body instantly tense. She smiles and gives him a quick kiss. "I mean stop feeling guilty."

Jane's eyebrow arches and a crooked smile plays across his face. "I thought I was supposed to be the mind reader."

Lisbon lets out a tired sigh and rests her head against Jane's shoulder. They still need to talk but at the moment she just wants to slip back into a dreamless sleep, comforted by the fact that Jane is really there in her apartment and she's not imagining this. She feels Jane's arms wrap around her waist and he lifts her up off of the counter and cradles her against his chest. She closes her eyes and lets him carry her back upstairs to her bedroom.

Jane gently lowers her down onto the bed and pulls the comforter over her. He kicks off his shoes and crawls under the covers joining her. He pulls her against his chest and buries his face in her hair, letting the smell of cinnamon, apples, and her warmth lull him to sleep.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

Reaching her hand out, Lisbon wraps a soft white towel around herself and steps out of the shower. Jane was still asleep when she woke up, and she didn't want to wake him. She knows all too well about his never ending up hill battle with sleep so she let him rest. He needed it. _Jane_ is asleep in her bed. She pauses a moment to let it sink in. The full force of him being back and what it all means, what it means for the future, hasn't truly hit her yet.

It's around 9 a.m. and Lisbon peeks her head out of the bathroom. Jane is lying on his back, his breathing slow and steady. She knows he's not faking like he usually did at work. She could always tell when he was pretending to be asleep.

_Work_. Lisbon feels a flash of panic go through her. No one knows he's back yet, except for her and she doesn't really feel the need to tell anyone. That's Jane's choice to make. She herself still has a week left before she's supposed to return. She wonders if he even wants to go back to the CBI. After all, he was only there in the first place as a means to get to Red John and now that seemingly never ending chapter in his life is over.

Part of Lisbon's mind questions why Jane is really back, and she has to stop herself, hating that she's doing it but she can't help it. He said he should have chosen her. He has chosen her, he's made that perfectly clear, but there are still so many things that have been left unsaid, that need to be explained and talked about. There are still so many things she's unsure about.

She has no idea what happened to him during the two months he went missing. She has no idea what he went through. She knows exactly what she went through. Lisbon remembers when she was in the hospital and Cho came to tell her that a body had been found in an abandoned warehouse, a body they believed belonged to the infamous serial killer Red John. He told her they had no suspect in custody but they both knew. They both knew Jane had been the one to kill Red John. Then she remembers Cho telling her that Jane was nowhere to be found. He had simply disappeared and wasn't answering his phone and couldn't be found anywhere.

Despite the bullet that went through her shoulder and being confined to a hospital bed, she remembers frantically trying to track him down. After a week passed with still no word she let it settle over her, and that's when the stages kicked in.

She went through denial, isolating herself from everyone. She got angry. She got so fucking angry she was just seething with pure rage. She tried bargaining, thinking that if she could somehow make a deal with someone, anyone, she would find him. Then the depression set in, not helped by the fact that she was on medical leave and had strict orders not to return back to work. There was nothing to distract her. After the depression turned into nothing but a dull ache in the back of her mind she simply accepted it. She accepted that Jane was gone and she was most likely never going to see him ever again. As bitter of a pill it was to swallow, Lisbon pushed the pain away and accepted it as best as she could. She wanted to hate him, she still wants to be angry with him and maybe is even a tiny bit still, but Lisbon's desire to help him shadowed the anger.

Quickly slipping on a worn pair of jeans and a button up white top she brought into the bathroom with her, Lisbon brushes out her wet hair and then leaves the bathroom, closing the door as quietly as possible behind her.

"Good morning." Jane says in a tired, gravely voice. He puts his arms behind his head and lets out a happy sigh. He honestly cannot remember the last time he has slept that well, that peacefully.

Lisbon jumps, thinking he was still asleep. It doesn't go unnoticed by Lisbon that at some point during the night Jane must have shed a few layers because he's only wearing his dirty button up dress shirt sans vest with the first couple of buttons undone revealing a glimpse of his chest. His curls are all over the place and unruly and his baby blues are sparkling, it's quite the image Lisbon has to admit to herself. She makes the decision not to get back into the bed even though she wants more than anything to.

"See something you like?" Jane asks in a teasing voice.

Lisbon quickly looks away rolling her eyes earning her a chuckle from Jane. Nothing ever goes unnoticed by Jane. The fact that Lisbon is now leaning against her dresser as far away from him as she can be without actually leaving the room, does not escape Jane. Nervousness begins creeping through his chest.

Lisbon can tell from the look in Jane's eyes that he's silently asking her what's wrong. She can't help but find it slightly amusing. Patrick Jane always seems to know what she's thinking.

"You left." Lisbon finally says. Jane doesn't say anything so she continues on. "You put me through hell." Lisbon's arms are folded across her chest and she's trying to appear strong, even though what she's saying hurts like hell. Jane inwardly winces at the pain in her voice. "Now you're back." Jane gives a slight nod of his head, signaling for her to continue on. "You said you should have chosen me... I hate that I have to ask this Jane, but I do and I need the absolute truth. No bull shit." Jane sits up in the bed. "Are you back just for some quick nostalgia? Am I going to turn around and you'll suddenly be gone again? I don't know where you've been for the past two months or what's been going through your mind since you killed that sick bastard. I have no clue as to what you're really thinking right now and it scares me to death. I just..." her voice breaks for a moment, "I just need to know the truth."

It kills Jane that she's asking these questions, that she's so lost, that part of her is still uneasy to trust him, but he doesn't blame her. He can't blame her.

"After I did it," Jane begins, "I had to get away. I had to leave. I thought finally killing him would make everything fall back into place, that I would feel complete, but it didn't. All I felt was lost. I was so completely lost, because killing Red John, making him suffer, that was my only goal in life. I never saw a future for myself afterwards. I would never allow myself to see a future... until you. That scared the hell out of me Teresa, because there never was supposed to be any future for me. I didn't know what to do so I ran. I knew I wasn't going to get caught but I still ran. I was trying to get away from myself. For the past two months I've been driving around the country, lost, scared, and so goddamn angry." Jane gets up out of the bed and slowly begins to move towards her. "I was angry because I was supposed to feel whole again but I didn't, couldn't. Then I finally realized why and it was because of you. With you, I'm not lost. I'm not this confused, broken man." Jane watches as Lisbon's eyes search his. "I may be damaged but I can be fixed. I ruined the first chance I had at life and was somehow lucky enough to get a second chance, but I never let myself realize it. What I'm thinking right now... I'm thinking that there's no reason for me, for anything I do anymore unless you're with me, unless you're in my life because, I love you."

Jane stands only a few feet away from Lisbon now. He just laid his soul bare in front of her, something he's never done to anyone before. He's always wearing a mask or putting on a show but not now. This is real. He feels raw and exposed, but in the most incredible way possible. He's told her the absolute truth and now he thinks, even if she tell him to get out, tells him she never wants to see him again, at least she will know the truth.

It's painfully quiet for what seems like an eternity. "Wow." Is all Lisbon can say, breathless, before it's quiet again. Finally, the corners of her mouth quirk up into a small smile and she says, "Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in some melodramatic romance novel?"

Any normal person would take that comment as a sucker punch straight to the face, but not Patrick Jane. He's never been a "normal" person and no one knows that better than the woman standing in front of him. His eyes light up and he bursts into laughter. He's ecstatic because he can see in her eyes that she believes him... that she loves him and that's all he needs to know and all he cares about.

Jane reaches out for her and engulfs her small frame in his enormous embrace. He's presses soft but eager kisses to the crown of her head while his hands tangle in her hair and he grips her even closer. Lisbon leans back in his arms to look at him. "I love you." She says and then out of nowhere gives him a hard thump on the side of his head. The smile she's now wearing lights up her entire face matching his.

Jane crashes his lips down on hers and he grabs onto the back of her thighs, causing her to let out a little shriek. She wraps her legs around his waist and he spins them around, tumbling down carelessly onto the bed. Her laughter envelops him and he's grinning as he playfully attacks her mouth and neck with his own. He knows there's still things that need to be said, things that need to be done, but he let's himself lose himself in this carefree moment because this... this is only just the beginning.

**TBC**


End file.
